For whatever reason, somehow my biological mother – who I haven’t seen in 18 years (and that was a traumatic run-in at the ob-gyn’s office I wrote about in one of my Mother’s Day posts) – made one of her occasional pop-ups on my Facebook tonight.
That hasn’t happened in a couple of years either and it definitely caught me off guard to say the least.
Don’t misunderstand me – she made no contact – it was just a “friend suggestion” type thing. (And, no, Facebook, I don’t want to be friends.)
For new blog friends, my parents divorced when I was two, and my dad raised me with my grandparents next door.
I saw my mother for visits briefly when I was young and then she was gone, only to attempt to reappear when I was an adult. That didn’t go well. She now has four other children, who I’m sure are lovely people, but they are total strangers to me.
I want nothing to do with her.
All of that said, I was a bit shocked when her name appeared on my Facebook tonight and I guess curiosity got the best of me and I looked at her public profile.
Though I was nauseated by the whole experience, I really didn’t see anything unexpected at first. She lives in a small town about an hour and half from me and we live completely different lives. I saw her kids, her job, the usual. . .
THEN, as I was about to take some deep cleansing breaths and move on, as I was done, I saw it: Mother. Of. Five.
Five. Counting me.
Y’all, I’ve written about it before on Mother’s Day: I’m almost 40 years old, but mother abandonment – especially at two freaking years old – cuts deep. And it takes a LONG time to deal with. And it always hurts in its own way.
And it does matter.
And it also matters that she has the audacity to count ME after all these years.
So, for several minutes I saw red. I was so freaking pissed. I mean, ready to hop in Janis the Bug, drive to their little town and go door to door on my broken feet and hip – which has hurt worse today than it ever has – until I found them and enlighten her as to why she has NO right to count ME kind of pissed. Luckily, my better angels have since prevailed.
Now I’m just a bit astonished as to how anyone can be so clueless.
And I’m also profoundly grateful – to the amazing women in my life.
To my precious Grandmother, to my aunt Barbie, to our wonderful Mom now.
So I won’t be bitter.
As I said earlier, my life is very very different from hers.
And, despite my illness, God has given me many blessings and more than I could have ever asked for – and I know that removing me from some situations was His protection. He had better plans all along.
Oh, and I’m making better use of Facebook blocking now too. 😉
Be well, everybody.
Grace and blessings.