There is a quote that pops up frequently in spoonie circles: “Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.”

Yes.

I am tough and strong and blessed and grateful – and sometimes I’m also tired and a bit overwhelmed and in a lot of pain and feeling out of sorts.

Many things can be true at the same time – and it’s okay to have a rough day or week and to be honest about it.

As it happens for me, I’ve written already about all that has been going on here in the Hippie Hut. Since then, unfortunately, my wonderful better half continues to be in so much pain and it’s terrible and I can’t help at all.

In addition to his pain, there are things that have come our way that are beyond our control that have pushed us to our very edges together.

And in the midst of this? Why yes, we can always count on my body to get worse. The flare I had just written about has continued and I have also started antibiotics for a kidney infection. It’s not surprising with new immunosuppressants that I am experiencing more infections right now – I think I was just *hoping* this new treatment wouldn’t trigger any issues.

What’s worse, I hate that another infection is something else to require more meds and more sleep – and I am feeling pretty down about it today.

(No need to send Dr. Phil, y’all. This is part of spoonie life too and I just want to be honest about it so my other chronic illness sufferers know they aren’t alone.)

Generally I stay positive – my down days are far less than the good ones – but there are legitimate struggles. My baseline health was not good before COVID and pneumonia – and since then? In some ways, I feel like it went off a cliff.

I realize I am far more fortunate than many people – and I AM grateful – but it is still so frustrating to deal with this brain fog that truly is not lifting, and, considering what many other chronic illness patients are reporting, may be here for quite awhile. It takes me so much longer to write the things I want to now it’s unreal. I’m still saying what I want to say – I’m just slow as all Hale about getting things done, between the brain fog and also the absolutely astounding fatigue.

As a chronic illness patient, I’ve lived with fatigue for these last ten or so years – but this is just next level. Every day – even good days – I almost always need twelve hours of sleep – and don’t even think about sick day sleep requirements.

For example, I’ve had to go lay down and come back a couple of times while I’ve been working on this post. NOTHING is fast or simple anymore. It kind of feels like I’m having to fight my way through mud each day to function.

Of course, the only way out is through.

We are hanging in there and holding on and praying.

And, if I have to slog through the mud every day from here on out to do my projects, well, I’ll be getting to the finish line of each project muddy.

But I’ll make it.

As always, onward. ❤

Be well, everybody. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Grace and Blessings.