more breaks – and acceptance.

Throughout this week, my body has been pulling a good sick again. My heart rate has been crazy high and so has my blood sugar at times. I’ve been weak and exhausted and frequently sleeping. I’ve been unable to stand for any length of time. My pains have had pains. It’s really been no bueno.

I was at urgent care early this week. (AND I’ve broken a tooth. #fixitjesus)

Since these episodes seem to be happening really often – and each one seems just a little worse than the last – and I have built-in mobility issues due to perma-broken feet and degenerative hips, I have been feeling profoundly. . . disabled.

Intellectually, I knew that was truth anyway, of course, but the gravity of my situation has really come crashing down around me rather suddenly.

And, two days ago, after I had just told my husband that I was going to have to start using one of my assistive devices – meaning either my cane-with-chair or my rollator – all of the time when I’m out, I watched this TED talk:

Jennifer’s talk spoke to me on several levels, though her diagnosis is different from mine, and I actually tracked down her documentary intending to watch it in the next few days (not knowing that I would soon be in bed with plenty of time on my hands – more on that in a minute). What undid me though, as crazy as it will sound to a healthy person, was the realization, upon looking at her assistive device, that it is exactly the type of device that I need. As the understanding washed over me, that, with my feet and my hips and my fatigue, I need something to ride on PERMANENTLY to be able to get out and about like I want to, I came undone for a bit. That was two days ago.

Then, yesterday, with a sick child at home (a long story as well), I literally just stood up and my prednisone-weakened right foot again said “no,” and I felt a major CRACK, followed by severe pain and tenderness. Some x-rays later and here I was:

Yes, I have another broken bone.

What’s worse, something is also very wrong with my right hip as well. . .

I have now realized that, prior to this week, I was still in some degree of denial, in that I was still holding out for a turn around that is simply not to be in terms of my mobility and pain. Now, I am prepared to begin working toward getting the long-term mobility aid I actually need, knowing that it will make my life better as I will be able to go and do and see the things I need and want to with much less pain.

Accepting this, my quality of life will greatly improve, as my pain is terrible, with trying to ambulate on broken feet and hips that are quickly giving way.

And, for now, its books and rest and Netflix and waiting to see ortho again. . .

And forward. Always forward.

Be well, everybody.

Grace and Blessings.

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