seeing fire and rain.

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus?
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way.

– – Fire and Rain, James Taylor

It’s been a James Taylor, Fire and Rain, on the edge of a serious anxiety attack sort of day. Finally, Sara and I got out for a bit earlier this evening and ran a few errands – in a torrential downpour – but getting some air did actually help me get ahold of myself.

I haven’t had a day THIS rough with the anxieties in a hot minute.

I mentioned in my previous post that my body hasn’t been cooperating – and it has been pretty damn ugly if I’m being honest.

Since I had the episode where I collapsed in my closet and have been all bruised and banged up, I have gotten to sit and watch a full crazy CRPS/autoimmune flare roll in. It started just with major soreness and fatigue from the fall but has since escalated. My left hip – the one that was operated on last year – went just completely out for a couple of days and is still hurting like hell with severe pain radiating down to my knee. I find myself having to sleep on a crazy schedule – and so ridiculously much. I’ve also been dealing with the crazy night sweats I get when my body is running amok. And my face, with the CRPS pain, is just throbbing.

I’m just generally SICK right now.

While I know intellectually that I’m an autoimmune patient and a disabled person always, when I go through a period where I’m relatively stable – and my pain is at a manageable level – dealing with a setback like this is difficult. On the same day last week, I found myself needing to use a mobility cart – which I am grateful for, but oh I hate it so damn much – and restarting continuous glucose monitoring.

Ugh. Just ugh.

All of this has come together with some other stressors over the past few days to just bring on the anxieties straight from Hell. It’s just miserable when this happens. . .

NOW. . . All that said. . . I intended to give a full report on this hellacious flare – and these gnarly anxieties – and I did – but the news isn’t all bad. . .

As I said, earlier tonight my Sara Bug and I headed out for mexican pizza supplies and we found doggie Halloween bowties and a yummy fall candle too. She made us some fabulous pizzas and now I’m all snoodled up with Henry and covered in my Valor EO, breathing deeply. Our whole family is home and that is always better too. ❤ Tonight will be a night of snuggies and studying and being cozy. I am much more calm than I was earlier today, for sure.

As for the flare, it seems to be slowly improving – it just takes time with a beast like this one. I’m hopeful at least that I am levelling out a bit.

So, I will be okay and the only way out is through.

As always, onward.