it’s an eminem kind of week, y’all

Eminem is my official spokesperson this week. I have decreed it thusly.

Janis the Bug is blasting him at every opportunity.

And, yesterday, I posted this image on my Insta:

weekly pill prep – not including creams, patches, injections, and some of my supplements. good times.

See, it was a sickly weekend at work, and, by the time I got home Monday morning, I had a temp of 101 and a heart rate in the 130’s at rest. No bueno.

My Rheumy JUST increased increased my Methotrexate on Friday so I’ve been battling a nasty MTX hangover ever since but it is too soon to know if the increase is going to help (it’s also too soon to know if my already thinning hair is going to stay – but that’s another story).

Anyway, never one to take this shit lying down, I’m working on some things to help myself – and have some other thoughts to share/things that must get out of my head too:

1. From now on, I am putting the absolute truth out there about my condition. I haven’t always, for fear of being seen as a complainer or weak or whiny, but I am now.

That was the purpose of posting the picture: to show what I’m actually dealing with.

And, no, I don’t want sympathy (really, it makes me feel like crap) – the situation is what it is.

But acting as though it is better than it is actually harms me and keeps me from helping other people who are facing the same shit. Utterly useless.

So, while we are in the midst of med adjustments and adding more and more of them as well as supplements and patches and braces and creams and ointments and whatever the hell else falls from the sky, I’m going to tell about it.

I’m also going to tell about days like last Wednesday night at work when this happened:

And my heart rate kept climbing to almost 160. And I was just standing in one spot.

We had to decide (quickly) whether to send me straight to the hospital down the hill or start giving me beta blockers. Of course, since I’m a nurse and needed to keep on working, beta blockers it was.

After about 45 minutes, we were able to get it down between 113 and 122.

And I went back to work.

#spooniestrong #fightlikeagirl

But that didn’t make it any less scary.

So I’m hopeful that enduring this Methotrexate hangover from hell will be worthwhile and we are containing my disease somehow.

And, just in case we aren’t, I’m headed back to the Rheumy today AND picking up a cardiac monitor from the cardiologist.

I’m not playing with this.


2. Apart from seeing All. The. Doctors. , I’m enlisting every bit of help available to me. I’ve started physical therapy, made an appointment with a regular therapist (who, it turns out, does art and yoga therapy too), and, hell, I really need to find a great massage therapist too.

In addition to dealing with my health issues, we are still handling a major situation with our oldest daughter and under constant stress. Combining all of that with chronic pain is just too damn much sometimes.

So, I’m done being prideful.

I’m calling in all the reinforcements.

3. This is the big one, the unpopular one, the hardest one: I’m doing a major people detox.

It’s not in my nature to be mean or to hold a grudge when someone does something to me – however, hurt someone I love and I’ll remember forever and I’m coming for you – or to stay angry with people in my life.

In general, those are all good qualities.

Sometimes, though, they have caused me to allow toxic relationships to continue for entirely too long.

There are several relationships in my life that have needed either to be ended or seriously restricted for quite sometime and I haven’t up to now.

But now is the time.

The people involved aren’t bad people. In some cases, we’ve just outgrown each other. In some cases, our values have become vastly different. There are many reasons.

Whatever the reason, it has to be done.

It’s time for some new boundaries.

It really is that simple.

4. Lastly, despite the fact that my illness is being so effing uncooperative right now, I am vision boarding, schooling, Pinning ideas, and making travel plans.

Everybody approaches chronic illness differently – and nobody’s way is wrong – but, if I feel like I am just about killing myself just make it to work some weeks, I also have to know that there are brighter things to look forward to.

I NEED those on a deep level to keep me going.

And, once it’s planned, I’m going.

If it’s a bad week, then I’m betting a destination bad week will at least be a little better than a working bad week.

As for this wild rumpus of a week, I am so freaking excited that, at the end of it, my youngest daughter and I are off for a short trip to see my bestie.

After several years of living too far apart to see each other very often, she has moved to the next state over so we get to visit often and I can’t wait to see her beautiful face!

Even if this body doesn’t behave, I’m going to take All. The. Pred., load up the Bug, and have a fabulous time.

Living my life is so worth it.

Be well, everyone.

Love and light.  💜

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