increasing the poison

Today, I came across this article on The Mighty and posted to my Facebook:

And it was definitely a moment of synchronicity.

Because that was already, in part, what I wanted to write about.

See, this weekend at work was not a good weekend, both in terms of how things went and how well my body held up. I barely made it. But I did.

And, honestly, I still feel like total and complete shit.

And I know what I’m going to have to do: Today is the day I’m going to have to give up my attempt at prednisone reduction and go back up to 60mg per day. I feel it. And I hate it.

But I really don’t have a choice.

This morning, when I woke up, both of my ankles were doing the same crazy thing my knees did a few weeks ago, where they felt they were being hit with a sledge hammer that is on fire on the inside every few seconds. It lasted for a few hours. And they still aren’t working very well.

Of course, I hate the weight implications of the Pred (So. Freaking. Much.):

Before all the damn steroids:

With all the damn steriods:

It really, really bites.

So I talked to one of the nutritionists at my school today and hopefully formulated a plan to lose some of this pudge despite the meds.

But that is the least of my worries.

Having to up my dose again takes me further away from getting off of this poison.

And this poison is weakening my bones.

It is the reason I keep re-fracturing my left foot.

I haven’t had a bone scan in two years, I’m overdue, and, frankly, I don’t want to. I already know.

And, for now, I have to function and I have to walk and I have to have some relief from this pain.

So, in a few minutes, I’ll take another 40mg.

And I already have a call in to my Rheumy, who has been out of the office but is due back tomorrow.

Please don’t misunderstand. As spoonie life goes, I’m incredibly fortunate: it requires extra rest and meds and planning sometimes, but I am able to go and do and live – which is a blessing I don’t take for granted.

I am just ready to find a solution that lets me say goodbye to this awful, awful medication.

And, so far, nothing else seems to be working.

But, sometimes, we have to just accept what is.


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