realizing i am so so much sicker than i thought (sunshine and roses, this one isn’t)

A few posts ago, I wrote about the awful effects of chronic pain on a person’s psyche.

I’ve seen it in my patients.

I’ve witnessed it in my friends and family members.

I’ve dealt with it myself.

And I’ve always known that managing chronic pain in someone who has multiple conditions, like I do, is tricky.

We’ve tried many things, all kinds of med combos, natural remedies, mixtures of the two. . .

And we are still trying, very hard.

And some part of me thought, though I wasn’t really getting better, that MAYBE I was at least holding steady.

Until. Yesterday. Morning.

See, we made yet another major med adjustment, so, when I slept for 9 hours straight, yesterday morning was the first time in several months that I experienced my body with absolutely nothing to control the pain.

And it was absolutely unbearable.

I could not breathe.

Or leave my room.

Or walk downstairs.

My hands.

My knees.

My ankles.

And, oh dear God, my rib cage and spine. I don’t even have words for the pain.

It took MANY hours to get it all the way under control.

Needless to say, it will be back to the Rheumy’s office tomorrow.

He already warned me when we spoke last week that my inflammation markers were not looking good; now we can sort this out as well.

I just honestly did not expect such a dramatic worsening in such a short period of time.

That combined with my having had a run on young patients with complications of my diagnosis at work has not left me in the best headspace, spoonie-wise, at the moment.

I can’t get into patient specifics, but I am going to say that, of ALL the shitty timing, LAST NIGHT, I admitted the most lovely patient, who is only in her early 50’s, her illness has essentially followed the course of mine, and she is quite ill and experiencing one of the complications I fear the most.

What. The. Frack.

I have no doubt I’m supposed to learn from her – and not freak the freak out – and I am REALLY trying.

Also, I’m literally carrying a lavender roll-on in EACH scrub pocket tonight. Just saying.

It may well be a deep breathing, aromatherapy, say ALL the mantras kind of night.

And, after I survive tonight and the Rheumy tomorrow, I have some wonderful things I am really looking forward to celebrating and writing about this week that have NOTHING to do with doctors or spoons or meds or diagnosis.

And I’m going to enjoy them all and give myself a few off days of reading and yoga and school stuff and rest.

And, by next work weekend, I’ll be ready to tackle the spoonie issues head-on again.

I always am.

But, for now. . .