in the deep waters

My body is falling apart.

I now have two broken feet and I found myself getting xrays on Friday for what I feared was a broken ankle. Thankfully it turned out to be a high ankle sprain. Still, I didn’t DO anything to injure it and it is quite painful.

In addition to these spontaneous breaks and sprains, my RA has my hips and spine giving me t-total hell, my chemo has my hair letting go, and two of my new meds are helping my pain while also causing weight gain (because the pred wasn’t doing a good enough job of that already).

My heart rate and blood pressure have been running amok, amok, amok, and, after some research, I realized I have the symptoms of dysautonomia so I’ll be taking that up with my cardiologist very soon.


What a shit storm I am in right now on the health front.

There is no better way to put it.

I am hobbling like I’m 98 years old when I walk, I can’t get through the day without a (long) nap that frequently comes on suddenly, and my pain is just ridiculous right now.

My nursing career is over and I’m having to get my head around not being able to contribute like I used to while I wait on disability. I knew this day might come but I never imagined it would come this soon.

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That said, it’s a good life as well in spite of it all.

I’m still me, even when my body doesn’t do what I want it to.

I’m sitting in my spot on my comfy bed, next to my sleeping husband, who is amazing and takes such good care of me and is my best friend.

And taking his half out of the middle of my pillow is my adorable furry companion (if you somehow haven’t heard about Henry Herring, call me when you have a free hour – if you like to hear crazy ladies carry on about their fabulous service and/or weenie dogs) who makes me smile and keeps me company and just makes my days better.

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I have wonderful family and friends, a new oil business, a new coaching practice, and this blog. I have plenty to do and much to look forward to.

But sometimes this disaster of health situation still gets to me. I think it would get to anyone.

In the midst of all of this, our oldest daughter has her own set of issues  and is giving us fits. After a serious episode with her only a few days before, while I was literally sitting and waiting for my husband to get home to take me to the emergency room for my right ankle and heart palpitations that wouldn’t quit (that turned out to be a nasty low potassium level), she actually asked me if I would make her some coffee before I left.

I could have fallen off my chair.

And, when we returned, she immediately asked me again to do the same.

It’s a very frustrating situation with her behavior right now and I am choosing to go with my husband’s decision making on the matter – as I should have done long ago.

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So, for choosing joy when it gets REALLY hard, I am taking some deep breaths tonight, diffusing my bergamot, taking my nighttime meds, and getting some rest.

In the morning, my youngest daughter and I are going to church for the first time in forever – I worked Sundays for a long time – at the new branch of our church that is close our home. My dear friend who works with me in Young Living and her family also attend and I am so looking forward to it.

My soul needs it.

I’m feeling totally overwhelmed with my physical breakdown and dealing with a child with mental health issues right now. And I need to hand it over to Someone who can handle it.

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