900.

So, this happened on Saturday.

And I knew it was close – as I had just done an Instagram post a few days ago to my sober sisters about just how damn close I came to not making it here.

Just for a minute.

Just because my soul was really really effing tired.

But it can’t be easy all the time – and I made it through. And I am more grateful than I have ever been.

So this isn’t going to be my usual sober milestone type post.

Because nothing about my life has been “usual” as of late anyway.

And this one is musical, just because that’s where my head and heart are these days.

I Just Got Back From Hell

I mentioned in my last post that my Daddy and I just had a fabulous time at Gary Allan – and we did.

There was one song I really hoped he would do but I knew he probably wouldn’t. It’s just not Top 40 material – but I have been feeling it in my soul since I got sick as shit last month.

I just got back from hell

And I’m standing here alive

I know it’s really hard to tell

Don’t know how I survived

I can’t say that I’m doing great

Bur I think I’m doing well

That devil’s gonna have to wait

‘Cause I just got back from hell.

– Gary Allan.

I honestly think, though I knew when I heard my diagnosis and realized what exactly was going on that I was in deep trouble, I didn’t let myself process it until I was safely home in one piece.

And now that my foot is actually healing with only a few more weeks (hopefully) of the IV’s, it’s easier to think about and let go of.

But. . . holy shit, y’all.

That’s really all I can say.

Holy. Shit.

i’m little but i’m tough. i just have to remember that sometimes.

Pushing On Through 

After I got home, of course, my new ortho revealed that all the damn bones in my feet are broken and dealing with my old Rheumy has been a bloody nightmare.

So what has there been to do?

Well, honestly, cry a lot first.

And then start dusting off my ass again. Blasting my songs again. Making plans again. Working on my book again.

Doing all the things again.

I’ve been spending a lot of time working with Bruce on Broadway playing – if you haven’t watched it, you are so missing out – and he reminds me better than most to GET UP when I’m down – and go dancing.

You sit around getting older

There’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me

I’ll shake this world off my shoulders

Come on baby, this laugh’s on me. . .

You can’t start a fire sitting ’round crying over a broken heart

This gun’s for hire

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark.

You can’t start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart

This gun’s for hire

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark.

– Bruce Springsteen.

Dancing Again – Busted Feet Not Withstanding

I have to say that getting deathly ill really does have a way of rearranging one’s priorities pretty quickly.

While I was already a make the plans, go on the road trip, write the thing, see the show person before all of this, I have a new appreciation for writing what I want to and seeing the things and getting better as aggressively as possible (once I realized exactly what I had been dealing with my doctors) and doing my thing without worrying about opinions.

I think the latter might be going out the window more and more by the day. 😉

At this point in my life

I’d like to live as if only love mattered

As if redemption was in sight

As if the search to live honestly 

Is all that anyone needs

No matter if you find it.

You see when I’ve touched the sky

The earth’s gravity has pulled me down

But now I’ve reconciled that in this world

Birds and angels get the wings to fly

If you can believe in this heart of mine

If you can give it a try

Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you

All the sweetness that I have

At this point in my life.

= Tracy Chapman

So, 900.

I think the hardest thing after having all of this craziness was finding a way to really believe again that things would get better. This started to REALLY feel like a hell of a slide – that just would not freaking stop.

Worse for an old nurse? Probably.

BUT – finally, I’m there.

Left foot healing, right foot busted up badly – but in a boot and with a solid ortho doc on board.

IV’s working.

Book pile in place, fabulous playlists in order, book and writings humming along.

900 days, y’all.

Thank you, Lord.

Always onward. Bruises, breaks, and all. Leggo.

Be well, everybody. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Grace and Blessings.

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