Yesterday morning, I went to church at 9:45 and then served with my sweet babies as usual. And we started a new series that is just AMAZING. And I always love, love, love my time with my babies. It was the best morning.
Then, at 1:30 PM, as Sara and I were working our way home, my Ring app went off on my phone, and I discovered that Laura (our daughter who is dealing with the SMI diagnosis), who had been spending a few days at my parents, was at the front door with them. I hadn’t expected her back then but a scheduling snafu occurred.
Immediately, I began to tense up as more issues have come to light since she has been off visiting and I knew there would be problems.
And, sure enough, there have been.
As I’ve written before, there is no real “getting through” to her (as she is always right – even when she actually admits she doesn’t understand the subject matter), she is not a truthful person, and she is quick to change personas. Our discussion very quickly fell apart as we began to talk about the falsehoods that have been uncovered.
Of course, as is often the case with her combination of severe diagnosis, I have heard how she is unloved and maligned and mistreated. The difference? The guilt isn’t working this time. I have been through this same song and dance now for five years and I am so so tired.
The result of the extreme upset for me was several hours of a heart rate upward of 150 and chest pain. Once I finally got my heart rate down to around 110 (after 125mg of metoprolol), the intense body pain started – because that’s how my body responds to severe stress.
She has a phone appointment on Tuesday to continue the process for a placement in the program that she initially refused to go to after consulting with her “friend” (who has since vanished) last fall. The fact of the matter is that she MUST go to this program now – or another one. Nothing else is working – for her or for the rest of our family.
The sermon yesterday morning was to start our 21 days of prayer and fasting in our church. For the 21 day period, we have prayer services at the campuses every weekday morning at 6 AM and then at 9 AM on Saturday. In years past, I have not been able to participate, but I had already decided, like so many things that are different now, that I would start this year. I know that God is using these changing circumstances somehow and I want to be a part of the things in my church that I couldn’t before.
And now that this beast of a storm has hit?
I KNOW that I am supposed to participate.
I’ll be there, worshipping, listening, praying. Each day, health permitting.
We were walking through many issues with Laura when I was a community mental health nurse and I felt it made me better able to relate to my families and the frustration and hurt they felt. And it did.
As she has gotten older, and the symptoms of her Borderline Personality Disorder have really come out, I truly see their pain, fatigue, resentment, anger, disappointment. It’s a never-ending cycle. And, no matter what she says, she legitimately does not care what her actions do to others.
How do you handle this in your own child? It’s gut wrenching.
So, today’s post isn’t full of sunshine – because dealing with this isn’t sunny at all.
But, as always, I’m clinging to the Source of Hope:
And now I’m going to get myself ready and go to our first morning prayer service.
Be well, everybody.
Grace and blessings.