the hard things.

It has truly been a wild few days here in the Hippie Hut: calls from my attorney with sudden needs related to disability, unexpected nursing requirements (I no longer work as a nurse but I will always keep my license) that have had me chasing myself, and so much going on with working towards our eldest’s admission into her program. Utter chaos.

Yesterday morning I slept through my alarm and through morning prayer service.

And yesterday was a freaking zoo.

We had a phone appointment with the admissions counselor for Laura’s program, who advised us that she needed to see her psychiatrist right away to get a certain letter that is needed to proceed forward. Yay. So I called and they could see her this afternoon. Right at the time I had an appointment that I both needed and was looking forward to. Isn’t that the way all of this has been going?

Of course, I cancelled my appointment and made hers.

And, then, as I am just wiped out, I overslept AGAIN this morning and woke up just in time to attend online campus for morning prayer – but I am so glad I did – because, y’all, today has been so ugly.

In morning prayer service this week, we are focusing on Jesus alone and today’s word from Pastor Mark was “dependence” on Him. As I was sitting at my desk watching the service, I actually wrote it on my hand in red Sharpie:

When I did, it was just to keep it on my mind. I wasn’t really expecting such a gnarly, gnarly day.

This morning, I had an ortho appointment scheduled, and, as I’ve written before, those usually don’t bring the best news about my left foot. I already know this going in.

But today was different.

I went to see Dr. H. – who is wonderful (friendly, understanding, straightforward, just the best kind of doctor) – and started with my routine foot x-rays as usual. When he came in, he immediately called me to the hall to show me that my fourth metatarsal (the broken bone that has now been broken for a full year) is still the same and that the second metatarsal (the newer break) is actually a little worse.

And then we went back to the exam room to chat.

First he wrote this out:

But then we REALLY got down to it.

With my health, we can either:

Continue the bone growth stimulator and vitamin D and let me limp around with my broken foot and pain and no further risk.

We can go ahead with the surgery, which entails internal and external wires that would come out the top of my foot and total bed rest (which is absolutely impossible as a mother of three) and no weight-bearing for four weeks. Due to my health issues, there are also a great number of risks that are associated with this surgery that there wouldn’t be for your average bear:

I would have to stop my RA meds (except my prednisone) for two weeks before the surgery and two weeks after. We have NO IDEA how my RA would react but we know it wouldn’t be good considering how active my disease process is while I’m taking my RA meds.
My risk for infection is extremely high. As Dr. H and I discussed at length, prior to my stopping work, I was a rehab nurse, and many of my patients were people like me – younger post-op patients with health problems who had to come for IV antibiotics – the strong ones that require a PICC line and tend to make a person sick as Hale – and physical therapy because their bodies wouldn’t heal. And Dr. H. feels that there is a strong possibly that this would happen. His words were “you pick the horse by the jockey.” In other words, we are in trouble here.
I have severely impaired blood flow in my left leg. That’s why the bones aren’t healing in the first place. And that is another issue with the surgery and another risk for blood clots after surgery.
If the foot doesn’t heal, there is a very real risk of actually losing it. The idea of going from a broken foot that I can walk on to losing my foot is terrifying.

Needless to say, we chose to go another month on the bone growth stimulator.

When I opened my Insta sitting in Dr. H.’s office, this was what I saw:

And I do believe that God is faithful. Absolutely.

But, as it sank in, I am still just devastated and I think it’s okay to be honest about that too.

As I said earlier today to my husband, “It’s hard to go from running marathons to hardly being able to walk some days.”

And now I really have to accept that – as surgery isn’t a viable, safe option for me – I will have to live with the broken foot permanently most likely.

Of course I’m grateful that I CAN get around on it. That is truly a blessing.

But I’m also 11 days aways from my 39th birthday and now apparently not ever going to get better.

So I came home pretty well distraught and needed to lie down for the afternoon desperately. With all of the stress we’ve been under, I’ve also been having some major food intolerance and nausea and vomiting as well and I’m just weak and worn out.

But we had Laura’s psych appointment this afternoon so it was time to summon my mom superpowers – we all have them – and push on. And I did.

We went to her appointment, met with the psychiatric nurse practitioner, got her prescriptions for her time away, and addressed the letter she needs.

And then we finally headed home after a quick stop at the Starbucks drive-thru.

I wish I could say tomorrow (today really – it’s super early morning here) is a home day after morning prayer service but we have some regular doctor stuff for Laura before she and Joey go off to my parents for the weekend to do some things they have planned with my dad.

Still, after that, I am looking forward to a weekend at home with my better half, working on some house things that I am excited about and doing several units of school work that MUST be done. Oh, and Church Day. And my sweet babies. And watching my Saints play (Who Dat!).

And, though I certainly don’t know where my broken foot fits in the plan, I do trust Him. And I know that He is good and His plans are good.

And I will push forward and do the hard things and know that good will come of it somehow.