I suppose the weight of all that is going on right now has caught up with me.

We are still waiting on our eldest daughter’s placement in her program and it has been a struggle and a terrible strain on our family for sure.

Our youngest daughter is exhibiting the symptoms of full-blown autoimmune disease and there is nothing we can do but wait for her appointment with the pediatric specialist next month. And it is just heartbreaking.

Of course, both of my feet are broken and my RA has run completely amok. I have realized this is not just a flare. This is likely a new part of my disease. In addition to all of my usual symptoms worsening, it has brought with it severe right hip pain and IBS symptoms and it is really disconcerting.

I’m trying to get my head around needing to use the rollator again – and I just plain don’t want to. But sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.

With my health situation, I haven’t worked since the beginning of July 2017 and that isn’t helping anything. Struggling through the disability process is long and so discouraging at times.

My husband has been absolutely amazing but all of this has been a great strain on him as well, having to deal with two very sick people, as well as our eldest, while being the sole provider so suddenly. It is so so much to handle.

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With all of this at one time, my anxiety has been sitting on my shoulder, waiting to attack.

I’ve been struggling to keep it at bay.

This week has been so so hard.

I’ve tested the limits of the fabulous mascara my mom put in my Christmas stocking for sure as many a tear has been shed.

With everything else going on, I got an email yesterday about a job that combined nutrition and nursing – basically, my dream job. And I am not able to even think about taking it. I can’t get through a day at home without a nap or walk through the house without difficulty right now. There was some definite mascara loss over that email.

It has not been pretty.

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But, as always, God hasn’t left me without help.

My better half and my sweet Sara Bug have been wonderful as always.

And I have my service dog, Henry the Wonderpup, just for these times:

And, in addition to taking Cymbalta, both for my anxiety and for my body pain, I use Valor on EVERYTHING during these times:

I’m also having my quiet times and praying hard and doing breathing exercises.

Basically everything I know to do.

And, in the midst of the storm, Mama Beth tweeted this yesterday:

And it made my heart smile.

I don’t understand the purpose of all of this and I may never know on this side of things.

But I trust Him and I know that He is going to use it somehow for our good and His glory. Because that is how He works.

And, now, I’m choosing to focus on what I CAN do.

My sweet friend, Cheryl, is organizing an amazing women’s conference at church in May and invited Sara and I to set up a booth for our oils. It will be a couple of days after I officially graduate from Nutrition School as well. So, Sara and I, with the help of my awesome husband – who is so good at this stuff – are going to work on designing our booth so we can share our oils and I can share my health coaching information too – AND one of my very favorite speakers will be there. I am so so excited!

And I have plenty to do this Spring to help Sara with her school work and to do my own school work to graduate as well as lots going on with our church and much to look forward to there. I just have to remind myself to focus on those things instead of the things I can’t do anything about right now.

I realized too that my word for the year is changing. The word “brave” is following me everywhere and it makes sense. Since my verse for this year is 2 Timothy 1:7:

The opposite of fear is to be brave. And I need to be brave in the face of all of this, even when I am anxious. And God will give me the strength to do so. I know He will.

Be well, everybody.

Grace and blessings.