riding out a new storm.

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

And I won’t die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

–After The Storm, Mumford and Sons
 
I’m in a storm for sure, y’all.

I’m sick sick.

there has been nothing nice about this new situation.

It’s been a bad week, getting progressively worse – and I fell horribly ill on Thursday, slept most of the day Friday, and then found myself with excruciating pain and sleeping as much as I was able to on Saturday.

At 3 AM on Sunday, I’ve finally made it to the shower and am feeling a bit more human.

I looked down after my shower – when I grabbed everything quickly to warm up – and realized my pashmina/leopard sweater/flower pjs/halloween slippers are definitely bringing sexy back. . . 😉

So it’s time to talk about the new beast that’s come to live with me: Crohn’s.

I’ve been stalling on writing this for several reasons. 

First, I almost think it was maybe an embarrassment thing? It’s not fun to talk about GI issues – but I am going to, especially since it’s more than just stomach problems for me.

Also, maybe it seemed like it would be real once I wrote about it – but it’s REAL after this week from hell regardless.

Finally, I think I’ve been a bit shellshocked. Holy shit. Something else. And it’s big – and damn scary.

But here I am.

things I am learning.

So. . .

With autoimmune diseases, they frequently can sort of accumulate as a person progresses. I know this – and have experienced it before with other ailments. 

I also, in the back of my mind at least, knew that celiacs are more likely to develop Crohn’s – but I perhaps chose not to give that any thought.

As a nurse, GI was not my jam.

I did have an assignment for several months that I really dug – filling in for someone’s maternity leave – in a GI lab, where I would start IV’s and assist with endoscopies and colonoscopies. That really didn’t involve any great knowledge of what it was like to live with GI diseases though.

Unfortunately, my only memory of working with a patient with Crohn’s is from my first year of nursing – as a baby floor nurse – and it was terrible.

I was only 24 or so myself and my patient was in her late twenties and just precious. She was newly diagnosed and in terrible pain and the doctors just could NOT get a handle on her symptoms. She ended up gaining massive amounts of weight over the course of many weeks before my eyes despite being unable to eat due to being pumped full of steroids and having to be fed intravenously. She then had to have several surgeries that no one would want to have and ended up with ostomies. It was a nightmare for her. 

My heart broke for her and her family.

I also have a dear friend who battles Crohn’s and I have seen her fight like hell for years – and have not been able to help her.

So I have some idea of what I’m facing and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified.

As with all autoimmune diseases, everybody seems have a different manifestation of symptoms.

As for me, I am definitely dealing with the all of the GI symptoms, of course. I’m also having massive joint pain, fevers, eye dryness (worse than anything I normally experience), ridiculous night sweats (worse than my usual), and incredible fatigue.

 

This bites.

My pred is already increased and it doesn’t seem to be stopping the monster. And this beast is new to me so I have no idea what to make of any of it.

I’m researching and learning more and hanging on and praying.

It is a beast of a storm – and I don’t have any good answers just yet. 

But, as always, onward. 

I’ll get to the other side of this one too – and the rest of this week’s writings are not health related. 😉

my “after the storm” ink ❤

Be well, everybody. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Grace and blessings.

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