it seems i have a helluva thing, y’all.

During the night Sunday night and into early Monday morning, the throbbing pain in my left foot and ankle that I wrote about in my last blog post escalated into the most horrifying and unbearable pain I have EVER experienced.

As I point of reference, I didn’t cry during labor with Sara Marie – I have a really high pain tolerance – and I was sobbing uncontrollably.

My foot could not tolerate any weight and the throbbing pain was relentless.

Around 3 AM, my husband took me to the emergency room where I was given IV Morphine – and it did not touch the pain. As a nurse and as an RA patient, this just terrified me even more. Pain that doesn’t even respond to Morphine? Holy shit.

I was also given IV Toradol before we left.

The pain eased a bit by about 7 AM – but by no means stopped, it still hasn’t stopped, but it is different and I’ll explain in a bit – and we came home just in time for my Henry to have to go to the vet for his surgery. (Of course, this would be the one day that he would have to leave and I would be worried to death about him).

Thank God, he returned to me around 5:30 PM:

He’s doing really well with his recovery, eating, going for his walkies, cuddling his Mawm. ❤

For me, the news hasn’t been so great.

I am dealing with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

I have spoonie friends who have it, but I have had to start learning about it quickly.

To share a little information about CRPS, it often starts from an existing injury in a limb – in my case, the stress fractures in my foot – but the nerves start misfiring and the pain is MUCH greater than the injury itself.

CRPS is considered one of the top three most painful conditions to have. Full stop.

obviously, this is not great news for me.

What I experienced Sunday night would be considered a CRPS flare:

My problem was that it was truly the worst pain I had EVER experienced, it was unrelenting, it felt like my entire lower leg was on fire, and it was completely unresponsive to analgesia.

Before I move on, because this is such a new and strange disease to me – and probably to y’all as well – here is a brief fact sheet:

Honestly, I thought the RA and whatnot was bad. Oh my word.

Still, now that the flare has ended, I am learning to deal with a different animal.

So far, I am finding that, when I have it on the bed, it is just VERY particular. It has to be gently wrapped in my super soft blanket with no cold touching it at all and no weight on it.

This is a big problem for me:

The cold of the bathroom floor on my foot, a wrinkle in the blanket, the tiniest wrong position. . . It is truly bizarre. And none of this was a problem before this past weekend!

Before yesterday, I had not left my bedroom and bathroom since the hospital. Last night, I went, with Henry, and enjoyed some time in the TV room in my recliner with my husband. With my super soft blanket in there, it was so nice to spend time together.

Today, VERY slowly, I am going to try to do a few things between rooms – but not much. The moment I get up, the pain goes from 4/10 to 7/10. Still, I can’t sit still forever. Short periods of activity are really necessary.

It’s made worse by the fact that I am so tired right now. Maybe it’s just this whole experience and dealing with this pain? I think it’s all catching up with me.

The worst part of it all is letting go of the fear.

I have been so afraid.

Afraid of another flare.

Dear Lord, was that ever terrifying.

Afraid of what this all means.

Afraid of this spreading to other limbs.

Afraid of doctors not giving me the help I need.

This is some really really scary stuff.

And it is okay to be honest about that.

But I’m ready to start moving past that too.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

The pain level with this foot changes from minute to minute sometimes. There is no predicting right now how it’s going to go. I just have to sit and breathe and pray and trust that it will be okay no matter what.

I honestly had been hoping I would wake up from one of my many naps and the swelling and pain would just be gone – but we are past the point where that is going to happen. It is time to accept what is and work with it.

For now, my Henry and I have made our little cozy nest where we are both recovering the best we can.